I have this thing about doing things well. I’m not perfect.. in fact I’m super unorganized, forgetful, constantly flustered, and about a million other things.. but I like to be the best I can be.
I try to be the best teacher I can be. The best wife I can be. The best friend I can be. The best mother I can be. You get the picture. Honestly, I think we all try that. Or at least we pretend to try. But man.. After these past ten days, I am totally failing miserably.
With twins in the picture, I’m struggling to keep up with work. I’m lashing out at my husband and my parents because I’m exhausted. I don’t see my friends as often. I am not as patient with my students. I think I wouldn’t feel as down about it all if I knew I was at least doing one thing really well. Like, if I thought I was being a really amazing parent to these two babies, it would be okay that I was struggling in other areas of my life. But unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything with great success. Don’t get me wrong.. in general I think I’m a pretty decent teacher, a good wife, a loyal friend, etc. But today, right now, I feel like I’m just holding on.
I wasn’t willing to admit it. For whatever reason, I have it in my head that because I chose to be a foster parent, I can’t always be honest about how it’s going. As if, because we chose to say yes to these babies, we can’t struggle. It wasn’t until my mother in law told me it’s okay to not be okay the other day. I really got to thinking about it. Yes, we chose foster care. Yes, we said yes to twin infants in the midst of our crazy lives. But people choose things every day. And they struggle! If I chose to have a child biologically, I could still be very honest about how it was going. I don’t know why I have it in my head that I have to be okay and I have to hide some of what we’re going through.
Real talk: these have been some of the hardest days of our lives. Every single aspect of our lives changed dramatically when we said yes. And we are still adjusting. I love these babies so much.. we just found out we will have them at least a week longer than expected and I teared up with joy. We would say yes again tomorrow. But. It’s hard and we are struggling. And I had to decide that it’s okay. I am living day to day right now, maybe even moment to moment. Honestly if I think past a day it all gets a little overwhelming.
God doesn’t always call us to things that come easy to us or things that would be convenient for our lives. Right now, He’s got me in a place where all I can do is desperately lean on Him. There is absolutely NO way we could do foster care without our faith. And if at the end of it all, if God uses these babies and sleepless nights and hundreds of loads of laundry and the constant smell of spit up to bring us closer to Him.. I’ll be thankful. And I think I’ll finally understand that Christ’s power is made perfect in our weakness..