autopilot. 

Tomorrow marks one week since we said our first goodbye in foster care. I’ve started typing at least five times this week, but couldn’t think of anything to say. The truth is, I don’t know how I’m feeling. I am 100% in autopilot right now. I’ve found myself working long hours and focusing most my energy on work and my students. I haven’t had time to process. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. 

Part of me was hoping I would have this big epiphany or some moment of clarity where everything just made sense to me. I think I’ve been holding out to post until that moment. Tonight I’ve been letting myself think about it. That moment or epiphany has yet to come, and who knows if it will. I decided I don’t need some big lesson or words of wisdom to write a blog post. I want this to be real. So here are the facts: 

  • Little love left the same day my students started. The differences in the highs and lows of that day are too much to put into words. But I’m thankful for it. 
  • She left into one of the best situations we could hope for, and with the suggestion that we may be able to see her again. I wish I could share the backstory to make everyone realize how amazing that is. God is good. 
  • I cried like a baby for a solid two hours before going to work. Saying goodbye to a sleeping child was hard. Coming home to an empty house was harder. 
  • I think of little love everyday. We love that little girl and she changed our world completely when she made us parents. We will always miss her, but we’re unbelievably happy for her family. 

I don’t have an update on when/if we will see her. I don’t have any advice to foster parents saying goodbye. I honestly don’t feel like I did it right. One minute I was a toddler mom and now I’m not. It all seems just as crazy as when she first came to us. 

Even with my emotions of last Thursday and my lack of emotions since then, I am so thankful for this calling. It’s a beautiful one. We are learning and growing and changing because of this crazy thing God told us to do. 

My husband and I didn’t call our home worker right away to get back on the list for a placement. I told myself I would and that I didn’t want a break – but each day I kept “forgetting.” With that said, we are going back on the list tomorrow. Our home worker called today. I know you all probably think I’m crazy. Here I am typing about how I’ve thrown myself into autopilot and haven’t completely processed our goodbye. Maybe I am crazy, but I just can’t shake this feeling that we need to be open. That we are needed on that list. Whether it’s tomorrow, a week from now, or a month from now.. God will bring another child into our lives that will rock our worlds forever..again. And maybe that will be exactly what I need to finally process and have that epiphany I’ve been waiting for. 

I know this blog is all over the place. But it’s me. Thanks for reading! 

Advertisements

One thought on “autopilot. 

  1. You and one who won’t be named are amazing. You love oh so well and we are so proud of your submission to God’s calling. Love well my sweet sister and brother.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s