not enough. 

We’ve had little love over a month now. I missed my weekly update.. sorry about that. 35 days we’ve had her. 35 days of getting to know her, of parenting (with no idea how), of learning what foster care really looks like.

This has been a journey. And I know I’ve talked about what I thought it would look like when we got our first placement.. But boy was I wrong. It’s been so many things: amazing, terrifying, joyful, difficult, heartbreaking, fun, fulfilling, draining.. the list could go on. 

I’m writing this post in the midst of a very defeated moment. It’s not my first one, but it’s probably the most significant since I’ve become a foster momma. Two nights ago I found myself watching my toddler break down unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Inconsolable. Angry. Confused. Tired. Later we found out she was also in pain with an ear infection. 

I broke down. In hindsight, I like to think it mostly had to do with the ear infection. But little love has been having a hard time at bedtime for a while now. She asks hard questions, cries for people I don’t know, and does everything in her power not to fall asleep. I can’t begin to fathom what goes through her little mind in these moments. Eventually she does go to bed..  And then, more often than not, come the night terrors. Shoutout to every mother that has ever felt helpless during those moments. It’s something I know a LOT of toddlers go through. Toddlers with or without trauma in their lives. But I don’t think that makes me feel any better. It just makes me feel for that many more kids that have a hard time sleeping through the night.

So I’m sitting there..  in those moments of helplessness, and I can’t keep these thoughts out of my head: am I enough? Am I what this child needs to heal? Can I be everything this child needs right now? Am I even helping her? 

And that’s when I realized I’ve lost my way. And I don’t even know when. Somewhere, in the past 35 days, I started thinking it was about what I could give to little love. About what I could do for her, what I could provide for her, help her with. 

The answers to all my questions: No.. I am not enough. No.. I am not what this child needs to heal. No.. I cannot be everything she needs. No. No. No. 

This is not about me. It is not MY job to heal this little love. That’s so much bigger than me.. And will come from someone that loves her so much more than I do. Little love needs Jesus. And so do I. Please pray for our little family in the midst of these big struggles, thoughts, and emotions. I want to be able to love her well, and to point her to Jesus. 

Little love has stolen the hearts of everyone around us. Even my sister – who is not a kid person – is a total softy when it comes to her. She is kind, adventurous, funny, and strong. She loves to laugh, sing, and now (finally) even dance. She says hello to everyone and calls them friend. She talks to the moon to see if he’s hungry, to see if he needs a hand to hold. We love this little with every bit out of our hearts. 

In the next week or so, little love will most likely go home. We will celebrate for her family. We will grieve for ours. We will rest and rejuvenate and pray to be ready for whatever comes next. 

Thanks for being a part of our story! 

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